


Problems From Everyday Life

by The_Whelk



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Web forum, Ask Metafilter, Canon Compliant, Collaboration, Complete, Crack, FOREVER!, Gen, Humor, INTERNETS, In-Jokes, Metafilter, Parody, What if?, online communities, season one, so many in-jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 10:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Whelk/pseuds/The_Whelk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if rather than keeping everything bottled inside, the characters of TV's Hannibal worked their way through Season One using one of the web's most popular Q&A sites, Ask Metafilter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Problems From Everyday Life

**Author's Note:**

> All glory and props to tel3path, who got me thinking about this idea and then wrote all the best parts and edited it. I'm just the guy with the account. Try to match the username to the character!

 

**Hoping for countertransference?**

Are Doctor/Patient relationships ALWAYS a bad idea? Even if you keep running into each other? (Special snowflake details inside)

posted by **Tyromancer** to **human relations** at 4:45 PM - **3 answers** +

 

Yes, Doctor/Patient relationships are ALWAYS a bad idea. Bad enough to get the doctor struck off. Now, IANAD, IANAL, but to my knowledge, in many/most jurisdictions a doctor is not allowed to date anyone who has EVER been their patient. This is true even after time has elapsed, even if they refer the patient to someone else.

The reason there are protocols for this is because the temptation happens often enough that there’s a word for it (hint: you used it in your question title). It’s always unethical to act on that temptation. I should point out that nothing you’ve said suggests that the temptation is anything other than one-sided. Which you would want it to be, because the reality of doctor-patient relationships is a lot closer to horror show than romantic comedy.

 

I am usually uncomfortable telling people that their intense romantic feelings are illusory in the sense that they’re not real romantic feelings at all (rather than just one-sided as your feelings clearly are). But: your feelings are illusory.

 

Also, what do you mean by “keep running into each other?” Unless you’re in a big city, this will happen, and it doesn’t signify anything. If you are in a big city, it might signify that one of you is being disingenuous, and I hope to God it’s you. Start actively trying not to ‘run into” your therapist again.

posted by **VonFurstenbergRulesOK** at 6:53 PM [+][!]

 

I think the heart wants what it wants

posted by **Zman** at 7:23 PM [+][!]

 

This is the kind of problem that therapy was invented for. If therapy is hard to fit into your budget (which I understand) then you can look around for someone who charges on a sliding scale. Your profile doesn't say where you are, but if you're in the Baltimore area, MeMail me and I'll send you some leads.

posted by **Wine And Roses** at 9:22 PM [+][!]

 

**Lungs still good enough to eat?**

Friend of mine cooked me an amazing lung & loin bourguignonne. It was so rich I couldn’t finish it and asked to take some home (in a sealed plastic container). One thing led to another and I left it on the kitchen counter all night, about 11 hours. Can I eat this?                          

posted by **MANHUNTER** to **food & drink** at 7:09 AM - **2 answers +**

I’m confused. Aren’t you in the USA? You can’t actually get lung meat here.

I guess it will be okay if your kitchen wasn’t hot during those 11 hours, if you put it in the fridge, and if you reheat it very thoroughly. But I wouldn’t eat it until I was sure what it was (lungs? really, did you hear that right?) and where your friend got it! Lol.

posted by **Zman** at 7:00 PM [+][!]

 

I grew up on a farm in Georgia and we had lungs all the time - snout to tail dining before it was cool - if it was cooked like lungs usually are it’s got so much salt and whatever in it that it’s probably fine. Worst comes to worst you’ll have an upset stomach.

posted by **hall-in-the-kid** at 8:53 PM [+][!]

 

**Potential High-Stress Work Situation - How Do I Manage This? Should I?**

I left my high-stress high-pressure job after suffering an injury, but the injury was really only the catalyst; the stress was seriously taking its toll on me. I'm deeply introverted by nature, some would say I'm an INFJ, and it is incredibly draining to have to assume others' points of view, especially since I find myself strongly influenced by the company I keep. Long story short, I ended up in a much lower-stress job where I can control the interaction, and I mix with personality types that are far more compatible with my own. I should also mention that I've been dealing with GAD for most of my life, but I'm able to keep it under control most days.

 

Until today, when a friend of my ex supervisor came around and introduced himself. Well, we'd met before, but he pretended we hadn't because when we met, I protested against something incredibly tawdry I thought he'd done purely for PR purposes. He's a good guy, I think, but someone I automatically have to put up my defenses with because he just never stops pushing boundaries.

 

Long story short, he wants to bring me in as a consultant. Now, this is in a field that requires extensive psychological testing. It's in the same line of work that I left, but much higher stress and much higher stakes. Not surprisingly the psychological testing is very strict about filtering out people who, not to put too fine a point on it, are just not tough enough. And not surprisingly I flunked the test. But this guy, we'll call him "Jock", insists he can bring me in on a special contract.

 

I'm torn, MeFites. On the one hand I feel like this whole thing is going to be too stressful and might just undo the stability I've built for myself in the time since I left that other job. On the other hand, Jock is very insistent because he says my skillset makes me uniquely qualified to do this job, and without wanting to be falsely modest I have to admit he's probably right. There may not be anyone else in the country who can do this the way he wants it done. And he wants it done now - it is genuinely time-sensitive and a lot of people are at risk of serious and irreparable loss. That is the other thing that gives me pause. This isn't just some pointy-haired boss thing, it's serious. When he says he needs a decision fast, he's not kidding.

 

I had a quick look over the situation and it's already starting to preoccupy me. What really creeps me out is he brought in a friend of his who I swear was there to psychoanalyze me. If I didn't know better I'd say Jock was trying to headfuck me, it felt so invasive. My gut reaction was to run, and tell them to let the other guy do it. I don't know much about this other guy beyond that he gives me the fucking creeps (If I'm honest) but from the little I've seen, he might be one of the few people who could do this job as well as I could. Parts of it at least - he is not at all from the same background, but he is highly qualified in related aspects, and you can't argue with raw talent. From the looks of things he wouldn't be in a constant state of anxiety like I'm already starting to be in.

 

So, MeFites, what do I do? Tell Jock to take his job and shove it, and assume he'll entrust it to CreepyGuy? That's what I want to do. But somehow, I know it should be me. I wonder if maybe the only way out of these disturbing thoughts is through and I should just do the job, try to leave the stress at the office, and go back to my regular stress-free gig when it's over.

I need a decision right away because like I said, a lot of people have a lot to lose and time is of the essence. Any tips on how to stay stable and balanced while doing a job like this? Should I? Hope me, MeFites!

posted by **VADogDad1969** to **work & money** at 6:50 PM - **1 answer**

 

_[This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- admin]_

 

I got a headache just reading this. If you do your job the way you’ve asked this question, you should just turn down the offer. For their sake more than yours.

posted by **HowDareYouSir** at 7:01 PM [+][flagged]

 

**Why Do I Always Go For Bad Girls?**

What it says on the tin. Anon because I could lose my job. Details under the cut.

\---------------

The other night, I was at the bar as usual, unwinding after a long and stressful day. My coworkers had gone home and I was feeling a little lonesome, a little nostalgic for my marriage. Well lo and behold this gorgeous redhead appears and starts talking to me. One thing led to another and… long story short, she used me. With disastrous results.The kicker is I’d seen her around earlier in the day, and I should have realized she was snooping. But I guess I wasn’t thinking with the right organ. Because the next thing I knew, she had blabbed everything I told her to the entire world.

 

I was lucky to escape with my job (so far). Other people were less fortunate, and I think I’m gonna feel guilty about that for the rest of my days. Why did I talk about work? Well, because all I do is work, and maybe I picked the wrong kind of girl because I was looking to have a little fun for a change. But it didn’t turn out very fun. My marriage was the same, though I’ll spare you that long and tragic story.

 

Seems like every time I get involved with a woman, I get robbed or railroaded and end up with my life in a mess. Before you say it, I’m not trying to be some dumbshit who thinks all women are just golddiggers. I work with some terrific women, every day! There are lots of great women out there! So how is it that I always make a beeline straight for the ones with ulterior motives?

posted by **anonymous** to **human relations** at 7:14 PM - **5 answers +**

 

You need to forget this ever happened and move on.

Posted by **Boots Made For Walkin’** at 7:16 PM [+][!]

 

Have you read “Loving Yourself Alone”?  Or maybe some CBT? Controlling Boners Therapy?

posted by **I_Spy** at 7:17 PM [+][flagged]

 

[Folks, helpful answers only please. Enough with the snark. -- admin]

posted by **admin** at 7:18 PM [+][!]

 

Honestly, this sounds like your basic problem is drama. We all like to construct narratives where we’re the hero of our own stories, but I would bet cash money that nobody but you is even thinking about this any more.But to answer your question: if you want to stop catastrophizing your mistakes, always keep the [scale of Big Mistakes ](http://metatalk.metafilter.com/21290/Should-a-jokeheavy-thread-on-a-serious-topic-be-thinned-out#953149)in mind, and stop blaming your problems on Women one way or another.

posted by **VonFurstenbergRulesOK** at 7:50 AM [+][!]

 

If you want to change one pattern in life, change another pattern. If you usually meet women in bars because that’s where you prefer to relax, try other ways of letting off steam. Borrow a friend’s dogs and take them for a run around the dog park - good exercise and a chick magnet to boot! I’d say you’d have to be an almost pathological loner (or pretty far into the closet, lol) to do that a few times in a week and not come away with at least the phone numbers of some great women. Or how about trying something completely new, like the opera or the symphony? The dressier the better - every guy looks great in a tux.

posted by **Somewhere That’s Green** at 4:06 PM [+][!]

 

**Help me with my mystery novel!**

He ran into my knife, she cleaned it up in record time with Flash Cleaning Wipes, _but what did I forget?_ How does she get caught? Blood ‘n’ guts in abundance under the cut.

\-----------------

I’m trying to write a combination Perfect Crime/Locked Room Mystery. The main character disembowels the villain (He Had It Coming) and then, seemingly in record time and with the house surrounded by press and police, plus two other people actually inside the house, cleans everything up so that nobody suspects a thing.

 

Now, not wanting to spoil my own impending blockbuster ;-) I am not going to tell you how I did this. But I am going to ask you: what did our heroine forget? What did she lose, smear, drop, leave undone, misspeak, or otherwise fuck up that ultimately gets her caught? I want her case to be absolutely watertight.

posted by **JustAnOrdinaryGirlInHerOrdinaryWorld** to **writing & language** at 7:17 PM - **58 answers (9 new)** +

 

**X-Rays Or Something More?**

Relationship Question: I found a bunch of X-rays in my wife’s dresser with big red circles around some spots. I think they’re lungs. Does this mean she’s having an affair? Seeing someone? Something else? No idea how to take it or bring it up - been married 20 years - Maryland.

posted by **anonymous** to **human relations** at 9:31 AM - **174 answers (4 new)** +

 

**Aftershave That Smells Good**

I realize I’ve never ever thought out (or bought) by own bottle of aftershave as an adult. I  just used whatever someone got me for Christmas (usually Old Spice). What should a professional, middle-aged academic man wear to the office? I like earthy notes if that helps.

posted by **VADogDad1969** to **clothing, beauty, & fashion** at 8:32 PM - **5 answers** +

 

I can wholeheartedly recommend Wonderwood by Comme des Garçons. It smells just like soil after a lightning strike.

posted by **Carthaginian** at 8:33 PM [+][!]

 

Ahaha - that cologne is 125 actual dollars. Go to Black Phoenix Alchemy lab and poke around, much cheaper, and you can customize bottles.

posted by **Boots Made For Walkin’** at 11:21 PM [+][!]

 

Old Spice? It sounds, to me, more like a thorough makeover is in order. Take yourself to a local department store and put yourself in the hands of a personal shopper. Their job is to keep up with all the trends that maketh the modern man, while your job is to get lost in your academic thought bubble and lose all sense of yourself. Outsourcing your personal style is a good way to continue that obliviousness uninterrupted, while still maintaining a professional appearance.

posted by **MANHUNTER** at 7:54 AM [+][!]

 

A complete makeover? Daunting, but interesting. I’ve been networking more with some really stylish colleagues and they tend to wear a lot of patterns, which really help to obfuscate the stains (our line of work can be messy). I go for plaid a lot of the time.  Maybe a Burberry fragrance would suit me?

posted by **VADogDad1969** at 8:41 AM [+][!]

 

It sounds as though you need a level of expertise which no department-store sales clerk could provide. Perhaps you should approach your more polished gentleman colleague and put yourself in his hands. I think it most likely that he will respond with alacrity to the offer of recreating you in his own image.

posted by **Carthaginian** at 8:42 AM [+][!]

  
**I Swear I’m Not Eating Long PIg....**

Are there any long-term consequences to eating cooked human meat? Asking for a friend’s book.

posted by **Lovely, Dark and Deep** to **health & fitness** at 1:33 PM - **0 answers** +

  
**Astounding Cold Foie Gras! How can I recreate it?**

Friend made a dinner of Foie Gras en Torchon served cold with red berry juice and cold fresh wigs. It was delightful! How can I recreate it with my own meagre cooking skills and time?

posted by **MANHUNTER t** o food & drink at 7:03 AM - 2 answers +

 

Fresh wigs are sadly out of season at this time of year. You may have to make do with the dried or canned yak-hair wigs that you can get at the Chinese market, but the quality really doesn’t compare. The first step, then, is to try to get your friend to divulge his sources.

posted by **hall-in-the-kid** at 4:38 PM [+][!]

A few comments deleted, answer the question seriously guys

posted by **admin** at 4:55 PM [+][!]

You do know that foie gras is inherently unethical, right? Here is [http://www.gourmet.com/recipes/diaryofafoodie/2007/01/chicken_faux_gras ](http://www.gourmet.com/recipes/diaryofafoodie/2007/01/chicken_faux_gras)Michel Richard’s famous recipe for faux gras</a> made from chicken livers.

posted by **A Swan By Any Other Name** at 4:45 PM [+][!]

 

**Unusual Deer Behavior?**

Are large black elks native to North West Virginia? I’m trying to find out if the animal I keep seeing, and its behaviour, are typical. Finding it hard to confirm or deny either way. Details after the cut.

 -------------

From time to time, I see what looks like a huge black elk in the near distance. If I didn’t know better I’d say it was a deer, but ruled that out because of the color. A trick of the light also makes it seem like it has tail feathers, somehow, and I haven’t been able to get a clear enough look to pin down what I’m really seeing there. It looks at me directly from time to time, but mostly it wanders around near my farmhouse, skulking in the shadows, and nine times out of ten when I notice it, it darts off into the wilderness.

 

Also, I know that deer and elk crush their prey by kneeling on them. Is that a risk to my dogs? I’m just wondering how likely it is that this elk could be coming around because it sees my dogs as potential prey. I have seven dogs of various breeds, some of whom are hunting breeds, but I just wonder if the elk is trying to start a revolution or something? It’s just so weird and I’ve never really seen anything like it. I’m more of a fishing man than a hunting man, so maybe I’m just unschooled. Anyone got a clue?

posted by **VADogDad1969** to **pets & animals** at 4:39 PM - **0 answers** +

 

**A Not-Scalping Way To Change Tickets?**

I had tickets to the Baltimore Philharmonic’s performance of “Faust” and with the tragic recent events they've pushed back the season and I can’t make do with the new dates. They are understandably too busy right now to answer questions - so I ask you, is there any way to trade them in or sell them in a semi-legal way? Is there a barter market for these things?

posted by **Somewhere That’s Green** to **society & culture** at 4:42 PM - **17 answers (1 new)** +

 

**Removing Blood Stains From A Silk Carpet?**

How does one best remove blood from a silk woven carpet without damaging the weave? Carpet is a 19th century Kashan and  family heirloom. I suspect some may have seeped into the hardwood floors as well.

posted by **Carthaginian** to **home & garden** at 9:52 PM - **5 answers** +

 

Don’t know about the carpet, but leave the wood-stain alone. Nothing worse than bleached old wood.

posted by **HowDareYouSir** at 10:15 PM [+][!]

 

Cold water and a non-bleach cleaner and time. Can you get it steam-cleaned?

posted by **Boots Made For Walkin’** at 11:01 PM [+][!]

 

You might want to think about throwing that old thing out.

posted by **Zman** at 1:23 AM[+][!]

 

Okay, don’t panic. First be smart from the very beginning - silk is a natural protein product but so is blood, both straightforward organic compounds. I have to deal with a lot of blood in my line of work, so I know all the tricks. Dampen the area with cold water and a very weak 1 to ten part hydrogen peroxide solution - NO BLEACH. It’ll dissolve the silk proteins  but I don’t have to tell you that. Get an old toothbrush and - here is where it gets a little weird - coat it in salvia. Spit contains a natural enzyme that breaks down the sugar bonds in blood. Carefully brush the area with the mixture, cleaning and recoating as needed. Depending on the size of the stain, you could be done in only a few hours and be left with an even cleaner carpet than before with no one the wiser.

posted by **hall-in-the-kid** at 1:25 AM [+][!]

 

Okay. Awkward.

posted by **Chin Stan** at 6:54 AM [+][!]

 

**Increasingly Frequent Headaches?**

I know YANMD but I’m getting headaches more and more frequently, painful swelling ones during the day. Aspirin was working - but now it feels like my head is on fire some days. No history of migraines or anything like that. I have a very stressful job and I don’t eat as well as I should -  normally I can keep them under control but I’ve been missing a lot of sleep recently and I think that’s making them worse. Any ideas?

posted by **VADogDad1969** to **health & fitness** at 5:01 PM - **7 answers** +

 

Have you tried removing wheat from your diet?

posted by **MANHUNTER** at 5:13 PM [+][!]

 

Dude. Go. To. A. Doctor.

posted by **ZMan** at 5:13 PM [+][!]

 

Why are you posting this and not in an ER right now? Get off the internet and go to a freaking doctor.

posted by **Boots Made For Walkin’** at 5:14 PM [+][!]

 

3rding, headaches are nothing to screw around with

posted by **hall-in-the-kid** at 5:16 PM [+][!]

 

From your username and posting history I guess you’re in VA? There are several free and emergency clinics in the area. I’m MeMailing you a list. Do not take medical issues like this likely.

posted by **VonFurstenbergRulesOK** at 5:17 PM[+][!]

 

Have you tried something stronger like Alleve?

posted by **HowDareYouSir** at 5:23 PM [+][!]

 

I am not sure you should seek treatments. Our concept of disease is very often rooted in cultural or family standards. Some people regarded the ill as having access to special abilities, pathways to the Gods. Perhaps you should wait and see how things turn out.

posted by **Carthaginian** at 5:24 PM [+][!]

 

**ASDFGHJKL;'**

incar headfing tominn with guy doctor possible a kikier trying to nott hard 2 tywe on my phone butt what chan domhy head he’s asl3ppny butt hue5s s0 mvhgidthe stag and deeer anh teh whatrdoido??!

posted by **VADogDad1969** to **law & government** at 2:14 PM - **0 answers**

_[this post was deleted for the following reason: da fuq? -- admin]  
_

 

**Hear Ye Ear Here, ye?**

So, a character in my novel has his ear cut off by a serial killer but escapes - how would they go about getting a fake ear? Assume they have money and haven’t bled out.

posted by **AGoodManIsHardToFind** to **writing & language** at 4:45 AM - **9 answers (3 new)** +

 

**Can SOMEBODY tell me how to recreate this recipe?**

I’d like to give a gift to repay someone prominent in Baltimore society, who is always having his friends for dinner and whose cooking never fails to PLEASE. He is a man of expensive tastes and I don’t have much, so I am turning to my fellow MeFites for HELP in figuring out how to cook something for him. My culinary skills WILL confidently extend to various kinds of pie, but with a GRAHAM cracker crust rather than pastry. ALL my friend’s offerings are of THE highest caliber, so I know you’ll question the wisdom of giving him FOOD as a gift, but that IS honestly the most fitting thing I can think of for someone who invites so many PEOPLE to his table. Details under the cut.

posted by **ACakeWithAFileInIt** to **law & government** at 6:59 PM - **0 answers**

 

_[This post was deleted for the following reason: Suspicious IP address -- admin]_


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